Mommy Guilt. Mommy Anger.

 So Mommy guilt sucks so bad some times. I have been thinking and thinking all those what ifs that everybody knows not to but can't stop it. It's all about Mister and his ears, I feel awful. He has been living like this for so long now, he knows nothign different. His ears are always pressured and he can barely hear, no wonder he is so miserable. What if it was something I did like when I was 34 weeks I came down with some nasty awful bug. Just plain horrible for 3 weeks I faught it off. I was in the hospital for the fever once it reached over 103 degrees and our midwife said go. I was in and out of it for 3 whole weeks fighting. What if that did something to his ears in uerto? Should I have stayed in the hospital like they wanted instead of signing out AMA cause I thought their reasons for keeping me was foolish? What was the virus I had? I kick myself for not actually doing that newborn hearing exam, maybe they would have caught it then? Was it even a problem then or was it a developed thing to have had happen to him? I was always too busy to get the test done and after a little fight with our insurance if they would cover it or not I gave up and said whatever. I kick myself. Could I have helped him sooner?
 Mommy anger is with me on this too. I am angry at his doctor who didn't think this was a problem until I insisted it was. I can barely remember either last June or July I thought he had an ear infection and had him checked. I barely remember the pressure test failing on him but his ears didn't look infected said his doctor. I want to review his charts and see from back then if this was going on. His ent said at the first pressure test failing and no infection it should have been taken seriously. I can't remember last summer much though so I can't say it was back then. I am angry at the stupid audiologist for not doing a single thing beyond saying he has fluid and we can't help him. I am angry at them for not looking in his ears the way his ENT looked in his ears. Why did they not reall do their job? I wish I would have skipped them totally and went right for our ENT. I am also slightly angry with tricare for being so slow with referrals, we could have shaved weekns off this whole thing just in the time we wait for them to say yes see this doctor. Now we wait for them to approve surgery!
 I hate that my sweet baby boy has been dealing with this for who knows how long. I feel awful now for every time I have ever gotten upset and short with him for his constant crying, he is miserable from his ears! I hate mommy guilt I wish it would go away....so until then I don't think I am going to stop kissing and tickling the little Mister.


This is Mister and The Marine