I am so sorry son

Mister,
 I write to express my deepest apologies for what happened 4 days after your birth. The regret and guilt is put in my face every day, many times a day, I feel horrible in my soul for what happened. I could've prevented it, I could have saved you. I didn't because I just thought like so many other people it wasn't a big deal and it was easier and better to just do it. I was wrong and I am forever sorry. I am talking about the day you were needlessly cut, when you were circumscised.
 It was never something I thought much about after we found out you were a boy for sure. I just assumed we would leave you alone, after all we weren't birthing in a hospital. Your father (yep I am placing blame here) said once he wanted you to look like him (and from the page of Penn and Teller what father and son have dick comparing contests?). I kinda said no I would just like to leave you as you were but your father (again the blame as I try to make myself feel better) said we needed to do it. I should have educated myself more and him more about it. I should've said no harsh and firm not my baby he is perfect the way he is. Care of an intact penis is no more a pain than caring for a wounded cut penis. But I didn't I just said ok fine cause The Marine was going along with my plans to birth you out of hospital I should give in to his one request as it was put one day.... where was my backbone then?
 So at one check up we asked our midwife where we could get it done and she gave us the name of a local doctor who does it for her patients for cost that is all. We called and talked to her, she said she had done each of her son's herself (holy cow woman!) and that it's easy just come to the office on a day she was closed and she would do it there. Ok so it was "quick" "easy" I guess I stuck with those two words and just went on thinking it would then be ok. I talked myself into thinking it would be fine, you would be fine, I would be fine.          wrong wrong wrong.
 You were born in such a gentle peacful way. Quick and easy after you were out my first words were not of your beauty, nope I said "holy shit is that all, that was easy!" We marvled over you, loved on you, nursed you, and changed an intact perfect little boy's diaper for 5 days before it was time. My mom had drove down from North Carolina that weekend, I thought it would be easy to have her watch your big sister while it was being done. I didn't know that we would all be in the same room or of any of the horrors that were about to take place.
 It was rainy and cold, dark and gloomy that day that we drove the 40minutes to the doctors family pratice clinic. 40 long minutes of me being nervous and wanting to go home, 40minutes of my mom and your dad saying it would be ok just calm down. We got there on time but the doctor was late, like half an hour late. Why didn't we just leave?!  I wish we would have left after 15minutes of waiting...to save you. I had knots in my tummy looking at you asleep so sweetly in your carseat. It was cold outside, it felt almost numbing to me. She finally showed up and we went in. The place was an older house converted to doctors office. The waiting room had comfy chairs and couches, the middle couch was the one you were to be cut on. She got right to work getting everything clean, prepared, and ready for you. I held you, rocked you, bounced you, wanting to run away with you, wanting to say ok change of mind give the doctor money for making her come out but I want to leave him alone. I didn't, I was a coward.
 As soon as the metal hit your little penis you screamed like nothing I had heard from you before. 5 days old and knowing this type of horrid pain, what were you thinking? You screamed, screamed bloody murder loudly. Shaking and in a cold sweat. Our eyes locked once and I then had to close my eyes...I couldn't bare it. i wanted to leave... I cried and I cried hard. So hard that the doctor said I needed to stop and hold you down harder. Your cries will be burned into my soul forever, you cold clammy sweaty little stick body after I was finally able to hold you will never leave my memory. You didn't want to nurse afterward, and the doctor kept saying make him nurse it will make him feel better. How? How will it make him feel better? You just mulitated him, cut him open and removed a part of him that doesn't need to be removed.
 The drive home I cried while you were finally passed out from the pain, everybody said he is fine see he isn't even crying anymore. You were passed out from the pain probably, shock probably set in somewhat. I wasn't fine either...I kept thinking I am so sorry...so so so sorry. For days you cried at every diaper change, I made your father change you I couldn't bare seeing you look like that, so hurt. I still hate changing your diapers and seeing your pain...I know it doesn't hurt anymore but it hurts me, hurts my soul. Why didn't I save you?
 I am so sorry my son.


 I am commited to keeping any future son I have intact no matter what. I don't care what the Marine says, what my inlaws say, what you have to say. Any future son of mine will be left intact at all costs. My foot is down permentally on this issue. I wish I had done so many things differently with Mister, ran when we had the chance. Said no when I had the chances, educated myself more and the Marine too. I wish I would have talked with my student midwife with my husband...she would have shown us the way (she is against it). I live with the regret and guilt and I always will. I feel badly and the sound of his cries will always be burned into my mind... it is not the simple and easy thing that people tell you. babies don't sleep through it. Babies can feel every single painful second of it too. I failed my son 5 days after his birth. I wonder if he had been left intact would he be the same intense child he is now...always fussing and unhappy seeming, always waiting for something bad to happen. I wonder.... I will never know. I am so sorry my son.