The rain outside reflects my insides a vent

 I am kind of gloomy today, well right now anyway, on this the last day of the year. Today the Marine was supposed to deploy but due to his illness he can't, which sucks. He wants to go, I would rather him go over having lupus and I have the right to feel that way, altough I get the feeling that many people don't understand my reasoning. Yes deplolment is hard, I understand that, I have been through 2. But ya know what I would gladly  take it over this shit cause we are looking at a possible medical discharge/ or retirement. I vented on fb a day or so ago that I was hoping to see him soon enough (remind you I am staying with the kids at his parents 1.5hrs away and haven't seen him all week) I think/thought I had the right to miss my husband for a short amount of time and to be a tad sad that plans changed and he wasn't coming here as planned.... but I guess not cause I was quickly reminded that it could be worse he could be actually leaving like he is supposed to.... in my eyes I want to know how it could be worse? I can totally take and handle a deployment I am a strong ass woman and a damned good mother. We already have a routine, I would also sign up for hourly child care on base for shopping and mental health times for myself. The grandparents are close if I really need them. I know I could do it. I surely would be sad and miss him and the kids would miss him but he will be back, he would still have his job, we would still be set for the future.... Instead he didn't leave. Instead he has to go to Florida again sometime soon for his 6 month evaluation for his medical review board and they could say right then and there bye bye you're out... we don't know. The future is up in the air which is something I hate because I am a planner. I had planned on him having this stable secure job as a Marine till retirement, not having to worry about a pay check, or health insurance for the kids, or a home to live in, or the possibilty of him losing the job and having to struggle out where the market sucks and everybody struggles... so tell me, which is worse? which would ou rather have for your family? deployment for 6 months-stable job-provide for family-no lupus or no deployment-might get discharged and lose stable job- still have lupus...
 I have to have the second because that is my life and what I deal with....


 Here is to a better 2011 than 2010 was (althought I said the same thing last new years and that didn't happen).... 2010 sure has been trying, hard, and sad but there was good times thrown into the mix. In 2011 I want better health, more happiness, more insight into our future, and over-all lots of love.